I was watching this last season of The Crown, season 5, and I identified with Diana in some ways because her story is, I think, the story of many women. The older man, the rush, being young and "doing something right" by marrying the right person, feeling amazing and then being pulled down by reality, being humiliated by what they call “love” and being enraged.
I am still, 7 years later, not the age of the first man I fell in love with, and he used to demand maturity from me, I used to demand it from myself, I could not act childish or have childish impulses and demands, like answers and understanding and respect, or else I was unattractive, immature, annoying, not worthy of attention. He made me go from a beautiful, confident and charming 15-year old that had the world in her hands to an anxious, depressed, sad 18-year-old. Truth is, I was 15 and I was pretty much a child trying to walk in shoes too big for her feet. But it wasn’t my fault, it wasn’t even entirely his.
Plus older men will often talk about how us girls are not their age, and that we don’t understand and that it’s difficult, and it’s true, we are not their age, we don’t understand and at this point, I personally don’t want to nor do I have to. We are young and have never been their age, won’t be for a while, why should we understand them instead of them, who were once our age, understand us? Why do they expect us to take their condescending looks and stay? To say thank you for the crumbs they give us?
At 22 years of age, I will leave. I will leave with angry, dripping eyes, I will leave saying I love you but I love me more. I will leave and I’ll kick and scream my way out.
One thing men, especially older men, don't understand is that I have all the right in the world to be childish, to be feral, to be savage. I have all the right in the world to spit and bite.
The world is mine. I am young, I am a woman and they cannot tame me.
People tend to underestimate young women greatly, say we are naive and weak but they don’t realize how angry we are, and that what they call naivety is hope, to finally be safe and finally be loved the way we want to. I can only speak for myself but I feel like we end up carrying the weight of the world on our shoulders and then sit through lectures by men about how our shoulders are tense and we should relax, loosen up, and then they hurt us, and when they do we realize men only want us to loosen up because they wanted to hurt us.
And I think like that because to me, to ask someone to wait while you decide if you want their love or not is simply the cruelest and egoistic thing you can do. To ask someone to prove themselves to you in order to have your love is ridiculous. To compare people and see if they compete for your attention is disgusting. So I look for people who will value others from the start, who respect and cherish their company with no conditions and no tests, only mutual respect and eventually love.
I am what some would call high maintenance, out of choice, you see, when I have my needs met I am sensible and flexible, I will go out of my way to settle and I will give my partner everything. When I feel safe and loved, I thrive and I shine, I am everything, but take those away and you discover I am ruthless and cold. And that’s what I look for, this feeling that I am bigger than everything, that I can close bullet wounds with kisses, but I am not willing to give it away for anything less than hazy, childish, drunk love. And I don’t think anyone should settle for less. And I think no one should love like this is healing and forgiving and it’s light like air and everybody should be able to live it.
No comments:
Post a Comment