KIND OF A VVIBE: A VERY EMOTIONAL REVIEW OF SHADOW AND BONE

 So I’ve been reading Shadow and Bone after watching the netflix show and I’ve read that the Darkling is based on the author's own story of abuse and I respect that, but she wrote him in a way that I can’t help but sympathize with him. The entire first half of the first book of the series writes him as someone who’s not really that bad, I mean, apart from murder and treason, that isn’t really shown until the second half, he’s just a powerful troubled man, who’s quickly falling for this promising young woman, and doesn’t know what to do with his hands. From what we gather when we first meet him in the book, he wants to give Alina everything and more, he wants her beside him, powerful, brilliant. 

What is not to like? Am I supposed to delete that from my brain after 3 pages of Darkling slander? I mean sure this is a murder machine we are talking about but hey, the author ended up writing a lovable murder machine and there isn’t much I can do about it. This man wants to see Alina in her glory, he wants her to shine, to be a saint, to learn how to use her powers and be healthy (the whole grisha thing about having to use their powers to keep their good health), above everything he gives her security, comfort, support and a good environment to grow in the little palace, well until she runs away, betrays his trust, tries to murder him and gets back with that annoying little bitch aka Mal.

Like I am not saying he is a good person and that he did all of these things out of having a good heart and a caring disposition. He did plan to use her power, but he wasn’t exactly an asshole about it from the beginning. I honestly think, in the way the story is told it just seems like he wanted to give her all of that and have her by his side willingly, the entire romantic subplot is a separate thing, it’s a coincidence that happened out of this man’s 500 years of waiting and finally she is there, and she glows and she laughs and smiles and he is smitten, but it was his plan to have her willingly by his side all along. If the author tries to paint him as a mastermind, a brilliant manipulator, she failed hard because he’s either very bad at it or his intentions were too hidden from the reader, like, even a scene that felt suspicious, like Alina listening to something she shouldn’t have, out of context but still weird enough to have her alarmed could have helped set him in this role better than the sequence passionate, sincere, heated kiss, argument with Mal, Bahgra and running away.

I am not saying he wasn’t gaslighting her when he pulled the whole “did you think about how I felt?” card but 1) he may be onto something because back in the little palace it was Bahgra’s word against his; 2) this man is doing his best to protect the country and his people, even if his personal best is bad, like he is ruthless but he does have a point, even if the way he is trying to make his statement is fucked up. When Alina goes back to Mal, she becomes that sick, weak girl again and she has to worry about him and what he thinks of her every step of the way. She constantly has to make herself smaller to fit his life and it just doesn’t sit right with me.

If Mal had been accepting of her powers than I could have given him a chance, but he just acts like Alina is supposed to be the sickly orphan he always knew, instead of letting her be the powerful, beautiful, ambitious woman she was not only born to be, she starts showing signs of wanting to be in Siege and Storm when she’s negotiating the terms of her return to Os Alta with Nikolai. I’m still in the middle of the second book so there’s still a lot to uncover.

And I don’t want to be all Darkling about it, but Alina wasn’t born to be a good wife to a soldier and live a simple life on a farm and raise Mal’s kids. If she wasn’t fit to do it before she had powers, why the fuck would she be fit to do it after becoming one of the most powerful people in Ravka? Like, to me, Mal just wants to bring her down, back where he had her before, a girl with a crush on her best friend, because it made him important and it made her invisible. It’s selfish and cruel. I don’t agree with Aleksander in everything, I mean, he is a murderer after all, but I can’t help but think Alina would be better off with him, someone who not only matches her power but wants to see her thrive, he wants her to see him and still love him, he wants to corrupt her and it still sounds better than whatever the fuck she and Mal are doing up until this point, because as Aleks and Nikolai have pointed out, this girl has the power to save the country and she was running away; at this point, say what you will, but her hands are just as bloody as anyone else’s, even if she didn’t want the power, even if she didn’t want to be a symbol of hope.

Personally, I have reached a point in my head that is more “let Alina be corrupted for all I care, if it means she is loved, if it means she is adored” and less “let’s see Aleksander’s redemption arc”, because let’s face it, none of his actions put her in a bad light, he always framed himself as the villain, she was always supposed to be the one people loved. I’ve seen spoilers, I know how it will go but it doesn’t stop me from thinking about it because at this point in my life, I am a good person and I will continue being a good person, but it’s what I would’ve wanted for me. I don’t want to reform anyone, I want to be adored and loved and I want to give it all back, I don’t want the trouble of making a man better if he already loves me, or even the trouble of having to cut out parts of myself to fit somebody else’s idea of me. I want both me and Alina to have the damn cake and eat it too.

I identify with her a little too much, but as someone who had a relationship with someone older who showed her affection no other boy has ever come close to compare, I would rather have it from the deranged old dude, and feel worshipped, loved, secure, knowing it’s us against the world, than to have a third of it from the boy I left in my past back when I didn’t know what love was supposed to look like and thought if he was willing to be with me, even if he never bothered to make me feel secure, it should be enough, I should be grateful.

In conclusion, I think Mal is toxic and Alina doesn’t deserve this kind of “love”, the Darkling wasn’t right but he did have a point and people who can’t recognize it are in a state of denial, and that’s not any of my business. Nikolai is nice but he has too much gemini energy and it annoys me sometimes because I am a gemini myself.

VVIBING TO: OLIVIA RODRIGO AND TEENAGE RAGE

I started out on the wrong foot already, I listened to SOUR at work. I held on tight for most of the album but hope ur ok broke me.

Her debut album is definitely a no-skip and God, Olivia is doing her shadow work. Listening to this album felt healing in a weird way, like my inner child being seen, maybe it’s because she is half asian; But she really dived deep in her own feelings and had the courage to sing about all of them, even the “ugly” unpopular ones no one likes to admit they have, and I think that as much as it made me cry and it hurt a little bit, it was like hurting with her and running my hands through my inner child’s hair, like “hey, look, this young girl is also going through it, see how much she is loved even if she’s singing about the things you don’t say out loud? Maybe you’re not as bad as you think you are”.

I don't relate to Olivia Rodrigo exactly, I mean, I don't even know how to drive, but there are snippets of her lyrics that are like being stabbed, just the way she says it, it's just like the rhythm thoughts come when you are breaking down and I relate to that.

The way it starts slow, and then it builds up and gets agitated, the feeling gains confidence, it starts being mean, and then it screams in sadness and rage, it has bitterness in its voice, and then it gets quiet, it's just sad, like acceptance.

Miss girl really managed to make an album that, although I can't relate on a subject level, I can relate in a cadence of thoughts level, it's like girly bottled up every breakdown I've had through my teens and almost 20s in this album.

She managed to sing in detail the feeling of when its cloudy and late in the afternoon and the cold wind hits you when you are walking somewhere and the sadness of grief slowly builds up on the way, and your thoughts start racing until it makes you want to scream and then it's quiet, a tiny voice, childish, barely a whisper, that says "I miss you".

I may be projecting hard here but a mixed kid raised by a white mom gave us SOUR. This kind of rage, loneliness, and jealousy, brutal self-awareness, is something I’ve never seen someone who is not “different” show. Like not that other people don’t show “ugly” feelings like this but I have never felt more seen in music, I swear to god, those were my adolescence struggles and also I have carried some of them into adulthood.

I mean she never says anything like that in the songs with all the words and like I said, maybe I am projecting, but I feel like even if you have friends and feel loved, being bi-racial makes you crave belonging in a way that is rarely talked about. So when you finally do and you feel like it’s you and them against the world, and the person ends up breaking your heart, I feel like maybe it cuts a little deeper. And it takes a little longer to heal. But when you drop the act, all the things you do to get closer to belonging, you find your own select group of castaways.

As much as it hurts and grieving relationships is hard, things get better, I swear. One day that whispery voice becomes a casual visitor in your head, you welcome it like an old, old friend, let it linger for a bit, you ask it how it’s been and if it needs something. Sometimes it needs a scent, sometimes a song, sometimes it’s just there to congratulate you on how far you’ve come; and then you say your farewells and hope it doesn’t come back soon. One day you look around and there's nowhere else you want to be, you finally belong with yourself and to yourself.

VVIBING ON TAYLOR SWIFT AND HER NEW GRAMMY, AND LIKE IN GENERAL

So Taylor Swift won another Grammy. GOOD FOR HER OH MY GOD SHE DESERVED IT.

Men, cis, and straight mostly, hate Taylor Swift, we all know that. They will go out of their way to tell you how her music is bad, how she only sings about breakups, how she’s lame, without ever stopping to listen to one of her songs.

Well, I personally think they are afraid of her. I think men, guys, boys, are afraid of the young pretty girl who calls them out on their bullshit, who sang “Well maybe it's me and my blind optimism to blame // Maybe it's you and your sick need to give love then take it away” at 20 years old. They are afraid because Taylor profits off their lies and lives her best life. Girls, gays and theys who listen to Taylor Swift are not afraid to be soft but are not to be messed with, at least not since Blank Space was released. So men act like her songs are boring and childish.

But they don’t get it. They can’t even begin to fathom that maybe the reason why we love Taylor Swift so much, and scream-sing her lyrics like they are sacred texts, is because she writes about a thing that’s fundamentally human, relationships. Mostly heartbreaking ones.

And it doesn't matter who breaks your heart, it doesn’t matter if it's a boy from college, or high school, or Jake Gyllenhaal; heartbreak is heartbreak, and an universal feeling that unites people all over the world singing All Too Well crying at 3 am.

She started her career with cute songs about love then grew up to be one of the most successful women in the music industry and GOOD FOR HER. She is loved by millions of teenage girls around the world because she sings about men breaking her heart, and not something considered cool and edgy. She sings about highs and lows, and sometimes things we feel, ugly things, that we can’t even admit to ourselves. 

(click the pic for source)

And Taylor Swift puts all those feelings, the emptiness, hopelessness, heartache, envy, jealousy, anger into lyrics, and that’s very brave of her. She helps us put the feeling into words, so we don’t have to do it alone, and feel seen and heard, comforted; because then we know for sure we are not the first, nor the last to feel like their heart might as well implode and take your body with it so you can stop crying over a stupid guy. Yet, as much as her lyrics are sad, they are hopeful, there are good relationships in the world too, there are better days to come, this sadness is not everlasting, it can’t be. If she is alive and well, you too will heal, you know?

That’s the beauty of her discography. She calls men out the way we wish we had the courage, or the words, or the chance to do; she keeps writing from the heart, even if the media comes after her again and again, and she wins every time because they can break her heart and say some nasty things about her but they can’t stop her. She sings with us through nights of dreaming, of grieving relationships, and promise after promise to never be caught in a situation like this again, still, her songs won’t ever judge if you ever do.

To me sitting with my headphones on, listening to Taylor Swift is comfort. It’s knowing if she got over Harry Styles, you can get over that crusty dehydrated guy; it’s knowing there’s always a new beginning and you’re gonna be ok and find someone who you would marry with paper rings. 

EMOTIONAL VVIBES: GRIEF AS A CHARACTER

 I think the MCU approaches being a human superhero in a beautiful way that is so realistic that sometimes it gets lost in translation. The way issues like PTSD, grief, insecurity, rejection, abandonment, and other stuff impact these heroes' lives is much more realistic than any dark and gloomy universe that was ever shown in other franchises.

It really makes me happy that these heroes all have flaws because none of them is a hero by divine right only, they are mostly human, and even if they aren’t they have human-like traits and weaknesses. People have told me over and over again how the MCU is superficial because it’s set in a fairytale or science-fiction-like world so different from ours but I think it’s the most realistic representation there is of people with superpowers causing havoc because they have feelings and they have flaws.

Starting from the beginning, Tony gets his hands on power and responsibility he has no psychological structure to deal with and although his intentions are good, he makes mistakes over and over again even when he’s trying to fix things and these have real impact on his future decisions and the chain of events of the movies; later on, we see a much more mature and stable Tony whose decisions are better but there was a path to that.

Thor’s arch is also very interesting if you leave the execution of his plot in Endgame out, the idea was exciting, but the Russos failed the character. But his journey from Arrogant Golden Boy with divine powers and a hammer to Leader was beautiful. I won’t go through every single Avenger but you see Doctor Strange, Captain America, T’Challa and I’m sure I’m forgetting someone important, whose beliefs were constantly questioned through the movies and led to major breakthroughs and changes, is fantastic, they start their character arches raw and grow from there.

I just finished WandaVision and the way the MCU has been dealing with grief since Spider-Man: Far From Home charms me and makes me appreciate this universe even more, the fact that Peter’s grief and lack of maturity, because well... he is a teenager, isn’t just mentioned but causes real problems and growth, the way his grieving of a father figure or idol is a character itself in FFH, and his self-doubt and realization of how there’s more responsibility in his hands than he is able to deal with hitting him on the gut over and over again until he breaks down talking to Happy who lost his best friend and still is able to comfort Peter in a way that was so delicate and sensible that it comforted me after losing my favorite superhero, even through a screen, is the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen in fiction.

And now we see another side of grief in Wanda, grief that makes you hopeless, grief that has nowhere to look forward to, makes it too much to bear, grief that feels like a hole in your chest that’s never going to be filled up again. Wanda getting lost in her own grief, which has been there through her entire life, getting stronger every time she lost the people closest to her to the point her breaking down created a tiny world of her own where she gets to live the life she always dreamt about and won’t let anyone take it away from her is so fucking powerful and beautiful to see. I also love the impact of this in the cinematic universe but that’s another thread of thought. 

Seeing Agnes constantly trying to wake her up and Wanda being so lost in character, in grief, she has no idea of what is or isn’t her making. The way denial and anger and all the normal reactions to grief are amplified by her having the strongest superpowers and these cause a real impact on everything around her quite literally... It just made me want to scream over how real it all was, yet not exactly like what reality is depicted in superhero movies or shows like the Nolan trilogy (which I watched and respect but remembering it, it just sounds a little too silly, and IDK I might be wrong but it doesn’t change the fact) or The Boys, which I haven’t watched but at this point, you probably noticed how much I don’t like this type of reality, just doesn’t hit me as hard. As realistic as they claim to be, in my head, the real world just has more emotions, problems caused by fear, insecurity, sadness, pettiness, arrogance, ignorance, and immaturity, not everything is caused by being a selfish asshole or a psychopath.

Which is why I adore the MCU so much, even if sometimes they don’t get to really explore the entire journeys, like in IM3, where Tony has panic attacks and then they are gone, the fact that these things are canon and not only that, they get to be major plot points makes me really happy. As much as people claim that the MCU is a disgusting blob of the same movies, I think that the structure and the consistency they created is what allows things this naturally human and deep to be addressed, you just have to be looking at the right side of it, past the aesthetics and the things that are honestly white noise left from the world in which these movies started (2008) and to the way these characters are allowed to grow throughout the movies, even if they’re not and will never be perfect.

VVIBING TO MILLENIAL ANTHEMS aka FUN.

I have been a huge fan of fun. since I discovered Barlights because of an Avengers College AU back in 2012(?). You may remember them by We Are Young, which was their biggest hit, but this was the first band I liked in my teens and I was thinking about it because indie music has come a long, long way, but to me, fun. is the very definition of 2010’s indie.

The band started in 2008 (hmm merry crisis I guess) when the band members were around their mid-20s if I’m not mistaken. Born in the eighties these were three millennial men, like they say in Barlights, they were the get-rich-quick-kids who never got it right, making music in NYC, just you know…. trying to make it, trying to become stars, trying to succeed and well, succeeding but having to deal with it in ways they never thought about.

The song that opens their first album, Be Calm is a fucking anthem, to me, those are the words of someone who is really trying hard in many ways and who knows failure “after all you lost your band and left your mom”,  “now every single crack, every penny that I pass says I should either leave or pick it up”, “If I could only find my people or my place in life”, to me, fun. represents the resentment, the disappointment of millennials. In some ways, it’s the theme that carries on through the whole first record, and I adore it.

They were the face of what hipsters were, the skinny jeans and suspenders, dress shoes, and short-sleeved shirts. The colorful melancholy of leaving home and trying to make it in a big city because well, what else is there to do? Leave your mom, leave your friends, survive, feel alive because of it, become someone else, become immortal. It’s the most millennial thing I’ve ever seen, it is in my point of view the millennial dream and also the millennial fall. 

The bands I like to call Mainstream Indie, like The Killers or Arctic Monkeys, reached ridiculous success too early in some ways, Alex Turner was only 16 when Arctic Monkeys started, Brandon Flowers was 23 when Mr.Brightside blew up. Nate Ruess, Jack Antonoff, and Andrew Dost started a band in 2008 looking for something and they found it, it wasn’t exactly what they wanted I guess, because Some Nights is an album that questions, from the opening track, what they got from Aim and Ignite, “I sold my soul for this? Washed my hands of that for this? I miss my mom and dad for this?”, “Five minutes in and I’m bored again, ten years of this and I’m not sure if anybody understands”.

It’s an album where I think Nate, and I mean Nate specifically because even though he did go solo after fun., he is not interested in singing anymore, whereas Jack Antonoff is still making music, questions, if 1) this is really his place in the world and 2,) if it was worth it, and expanding it a little more, it wasn’t; because if he didn’t stick around after the success that was We Are Young, the millennial generational anthem, then it really, really wasn’t it.

But the evolution from Aim and Ignite to Some Nights to Grand Romantic and Bleachers is a beautiful thing to see. Aim and Ignite has a weird pessimism behind its happy and colorful first impression, Some Nights questions and questions but also burns in youthfulness even though it’s mature, to me there’s no band, no record that captures the voice of millennial youth better than these, the same way that Declan McKenna, Conan Gray, Billie Eilish are some of the artists that capture older Gen Z’s voice beautifully. “I close my eyes and think about tomorrow, it never came true”, It captures the voice of a moment that happened right before Instagram, right before smartphones and  Tinder, right before chaos.

They were invincible, they were the future, the same way we are now, they were glorious, they were young, and in New York City, what could possibly go wrong? But aging is terrifying, not reaching an idealized idea of success is terrifying, and that’s the beauty of it, this was the generation that could not get jobs, that could only have the things society promised the later in life or never even got them so they blew up Instagram posts of their lunches and made avocado toast and light (millennial) pink a thing. 

“I’m standing in Brooklyn just waiting for something to happen, I can’t help but love thinking that everyone doesn’t get it.” And I don’t think people get it, the older generation thinks millennials are spoiled brats who can’t do anything and the younger generation thinks millennials are just crybabies when honestly, they were raised to live in a world that doesn’t exist anymore and they really weren’t ready for it no one would have been. There is resentment and I think that fun. fully embodies this very specific millennial feeling of resentment and does it beautifully.

“Cause no one here is gonna save us”

 

MEDICATED VVIBES and also, I got a job

Hello friends, it is I, Helena, coming to tell you I AM FINALLY MEDICATED, I have been suffering from anxiety since I was 16, actually my whole life but it only started really affecting me at 16, I also have a suspicion I have ADHD and no one noticed because I have always had good grades. AND I AM FINALLY ON MEDICATION, today is my first day taking it but I just hope I can write better content for you people! Content that has a beginning a middle and an end!!! What a dream!!!!

I also want to announce that I got a job! It does mean that I will have less time to write but let's hope with the medication I can still get both done! And this is supposed to be, at least, a one-year project, so don't worry, I will be here at least until October 2021. 

I just wanted to share the good news so you have a little more info on what is going on in my life and also thank the enormous (in my view) traffic there's been on the blog, I never even dared to imagine so many people would see the stuff that I write, so thank you so much for reading the thoughts of a very confused goblin.

I think that's it for today, love you bebehs!

HALLOWEEN VVIBES

 This is a Halloween special and I am sorry for having no legs as a skeleton, it’s not my fault, Renner hasn’t made skeleton pants yet.

I love Halloween, like any other alternative bitch. I think it’s a vibe. Me and my college friends have been celebrating together for the last 2 years but this year we won’t be able to because of the pandemic.

The pandemic hasn’t been easy, it’s weird to think I haven’t seen my friends in months. I miss them a lot, and our shenanigans the most, going to haunted thrift shops and eating Arab food, drinking soda at the bar, and complaining...

There was this one time we went to a thrift shop so haunted that it seems to me, now that I remember it, that we were actually stuck in another dimension for a couple of hours. I swear to you, that shop was infinite, the more we walked through it the bigger and weirder it got, there were used bed frames and baby cradles, industrial sinks, couches, as well as used books, CDs and clothes, but everything, especially the room full of old bed frames and cradles, was so haunted, even remembering it gives me the creeps, 0/10, would not go back there. Tina went there the other day and found a really cute dress.

vvibing in a skeleton sweater from (R$ 99, sale price, 2019), skeleton gloves (R$?, 2014), skeleton socks (R$12, 2019), a lobster cap (R$30max, 2018), all from renner, vintage-inspired combination shorts (R$ I made them, 2018), and sunglasses (R$40, 2019)

There was this other shop, which seemed to be run by gnomes dressed as tiny old ladies, it’s so humid and hot in there, the light is fluorescent and weirdly weak amid all the stuff they have as if there’s so much water in the air, so much clothing and shoes and toys that the light barely touches the floor. The clothes hang in parallel metal racks and you can easily open up space and walk through the clothes, or make a window to have weird chats.

To me, that shop is the definition of a faery portal. The shoes stay on shelves or on the floor, under the clothes that are near a wall, and to buy things you have to hand them to an old lady (possibly fae) who will write the prices on a piece of paper that you take to the front desk to pay for. While you are paying, the things you bought are brought to you by another lady, and you are left waiting for your friends, sitting on the sidewalk.

The weirdest thing is that we have no pictures of this shop. We took pictures in all of the other shops we went to that day, but none there.

Sometimes I wonder, if I say my name to one of the old ladies, will I be trapped there? If I tell them my name will I turn into an old lady and be forced to work there forever?

Have you ever been to places that seemed normal at first but something was off?

HALLOWEEN, SKELETON COSTUME, SKELETON, SKELETON MEMES, SPOOKY, LOJAS RENNER, SUÉTER DE ESQUELETO, SKELETON SWEATER