KIND OF A VVIBE: A VERY EMOTIONAL REVIEW OF SHADOW AND BONE

 So I’ve been reading Shadow and Bone after watching the netflix show and I’ve read that the Darkling is based on the author's own story of abuse and I respect that, but she wrote him in a way that I can’t help but sympathize with him. The entire first half of the first book of the series writes him as someone who’s not really that bad, I mean, apart from murder and treason, that isn’t really shown until the second half, he’s just a powerful troubled man, who’s quickly falling for this promising young woman, and doesn’t know what to do with his hands. From what we gather when we first meet him in the book, he wants to give Alina everything and more, he wants her beside him, powerful, brilliant. 

What is not to like? Am I supposed to delete that from my brain after 3 pages of Darkling slander? I mean sure this is a murder machine we are talking about but hey, the author ended up writing a lovable murder machine and there isn’t much I can do about it. This man wants to see Alina in her glory, he wants her to shine, to be a saint, to learn how to use her powers and be healthy (the whole grisha thing about having to use their powers to keep their good health), above everything he gives her security, comfort, support and a good environment to grow in the little palace, well until she runs away, betrays his trust, tries to murder him and gets back with that annoying little bitch aka Mal.

Like I am not saying he is a good person and that he did all of these things out of having a good heart and a caring disposition. He did plan to use her power, but he wasn’t exactly an asshole about it from the beginning. I honestly think, in the way the story is told it just seems like he wanted to give her all of that and have her by his side willingly, the entire romantic subplot is a separate thing, it’s a coincidence that happened out of this man’s 500 years of waiting and finally she is there, and she glows and she laughs and smiles and he is smitten, but it was his plan to have her willingly by his side all along. If the author tries to paint him as a mastermind, a brilliant manipulator, she failed hard because he’s either very bad at it or his intentions were too hidden from the reader, like, even a scene that felt suspicious, like Alina listening to something she shouldn’t have, out of context but still weird enough to have her alarmed could have helped set him in this role better than the sequence passionate, sincere, heated kiss, argument with Mal, Bahgra and running away.

I am not saying he wasn’t gaslighting her when he pulled the whole “did you think about how I felt?” card but 1) he may be onto something because back in the little palace it was Bahgra’s word against his; 2) this man is doing his best to protect the country and his people, even if his personal best is bad, like he is ruthless but he does have a point, even if the way he is trying to make his statement is fucked up. When Alina goes back to Mal, she becomes that sick, weak girl again and she has to worry about him and what he thinks of her every step of the way. She constantly has to make herself smaller to fit his life and it just doesn’t sit right with me.

If Mal had been accepting of her powers than I could have given him a chance, but he just acts like Alina is supposed to be the sickly orphan he always knew, instead of letting her be the powerful, beautiful, ambitious woman she was not only born to be, she starts showing signs of wanting to be in Siege and Storm when she’s negotiating the terms of her return to Os Alta with Nikolai. I’m still in the middle of the second book so there’s still a lot to uncover.

And I don’t want to be all Darkling about it, but Alina wasn’t born to be a good wife to a soldier and live a simple life on a farm and raise Mal’s kids. If she wasn’t fit to do it before she had powers, why the fuck would she be fit to do it after becoming one of the most powerful people in Ravka? Like, to me, Mal just wants to bring her down, back where he had her before, a girl with a crush on her best friend, because it made him important and it made her invisible. It’s selfish and cruel. I don’t agree with Aleksander in everything, I mean, he is a murderer after all, but I can’t help but think Alina would be better off with him, someone who not only matches her power but wants to see her thrive, he wants her to see him and still love him, he wants to corrupt her and it still sounds better than whatever the fuck she and Mal are doing up until this point, because as Aleks and Nikolai have pointed out, this girl has the power to save the country and she was running away; at this point, say what you will, but her hands are just as bloody as anyone else’s, even if she didn’t want the power, even if she didn’t want to be a symbol of hope.

Personally, I have reached a point in my head that is more “let Alina be corrupted for all I care, if it means she is loved, if it means she is adored” and less “let’s see Aleksander’s redemption arc”, because let’s face it, none of his actions put her in a bad light, he always framed himself as the villain, she was always supposed to be the one people loved. I’ve seen spoilers, I know how it will go but it doesn’t stop me from thinking about it because at this point in my life, I am a good person and I will continue being a good person, but it’s what I would’ve wanted for me. I don’t want to reform anyone, I want to be adored and loved and I want to give it all back, I don’t want the trouble of making a man better if he already loves me, or even the trouble of having to cut out parts of myself to fit somebody else’s idea of me. I want both me and Alina to have the damn cake and eat it too.

I identify with her a little too much, but as someone who had a relationship with someone older who showed her affection no other boy has ever come close to compare, I would rather have it from the deranged old dude, and feel worshipped, loved, secure, knowing it’s us against the world, than to have a third of it from the boy I left in my past back when I didn’t know what love was supposed to look like and thought if he was willing to be with me, even if he never bothered to make me feel secure, it should be enough, I should be grateful.

In conclusion, I think Mal is toxic and Alina doesn’t deserve this kind of “love”, the Darkling wasn’t right but he did have a point and people who can’t recognize it are in a state of denial, and that’s not any of my business. Nikolai is nice but he has too much gemini energy and it annoys me sometimes because I am a gemini myself.

EMOTIONAL VVIBES: GRIEF AS A CHARACTER

 I think the MCU approaches being a human superhero in a beautiful way that is so realistic that sometimes it gets lost in translation. The way issues like PTSD, grief, insecurity, rejection, abandonment, and other stuff impact these heroes' lives is much more realistic than any dark and gloomy universe that was ever shown in other franchises.

It really makes me happy that these heroes all have flaws because none of them is a hero by divine right only, they are mostly human, and even if they aren’t they have human-like traits and weaknesses. People have told me over and over again how the MCU is superficial because it’s set in a fairytale or science-fiction-like world so different from ours but I think it’s the most realistic representation there is of people with superpowers causing havoc because they have feelings and they have flaws.

Starting from the beginning, Tony gets his hands on power and responsibility he has no psychological structure to deal with and although his intentions are good, he makes mistakes over and over again even when he’s trying to fix things and these have real impact on his future decisions and the chain of events of the movies; later on, we see a much more mature and stable Tony whose decisions are better but there was a path to that.

Thor’s arch is also very interesting if you leave the execution of his plot in Endgame out, the idea was exciting, but the Russos failed the character. But his journey from Arrogant Golden Boy with divine powers and a hammer to Leader was beautiful. I won’t go through every single Avenger but you see Doctor Strange, Captain America, T’Challa and I’m sure I’m forgetting someone important, whose beliefs were constantly questioned through the movies and led to major breakthroughs and changes, is fantastic, they start their character arches raw and grow from there.

I just finished WandaVision and the way the MCU has been dealing with grief since Spider-Man: Far From Home charms me and makes me appreciate this universe even more, the fact that Peter’s grief and lack of maturity, because well... he is a teenager, isn’t just mentioned but causes real problems and growth, the way his grieving of a father figure or idol is a character itself in FFH, and his self-doubt and realization of how there’s more responsibility in his hands than he is able to deal with hitting him on the gut over and over again until he breaks down talking to Happy who lost his best friend and still is able to comfort Peter in a way that was so delicate and sensible that it comforted me after losing my favorite superhero, even through a screen, is the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen in fiction.

And now we see another side of grief in Wanda, grief that makes you hopeless, grief that has nowhere to look forward to, makes it too much to bear, grief that feels like a hole in your chest that’s never going to be filled up again. Wanda getting lost in her own grief, which has been there through her entire life, getting stronger every time she lost the people closest to her to the point her breaking down created a tiny world of her own where she gets to live the life she always dreamt about and won’t let anyone take it away from her is so fucking powerful and beautiful to see. I also love the impact of this in the cinematic universe but that’s another thread of thought. 

Seeing Agnes constantly trying to wake her up and Wanda being so lost in character, in grief, she has no idea of what is or isn’t her making. The way denial and anger and all the normal reactions to grief are amplified by her having the strongest superpowers and these cause a real impact on everything around her quite literally... It just made me want to scream over how real it all was, yet not exactly like what reality is depicted in superhero movies or shows like the Nolan trilogy (which I watched and respect but remembering it, it just sounds a little too silly, and IDK I might be wrong but it doesn’t change the fact) or The Boys, which I haven’t watched but at this point, you probably noticed how much I don’t like this type of reality, just doesn’t hit me as hard. As realistic as they claim to be, in my head, the real world just has more emotions, problems caused by fear, insecurity, sadness, pettiness, arrogance, ignorance, and immaturity, not everything is caused by being a selfish asshole or a psychopath.

Which is why I adore the MCU so much, even if sometimes they don’t get to really explore the entire journeys, like in IM3, where Tony has panic attacks and then they are gone, the fact that these things are canon and not only that, they get to be major plot points makes me really happy. As much as people claim that the MCU is a disgusting blob of the same movies, I think that the structure and the consistency they created is what allows things this naturally human and deep to be addressed, you just have to be looking at the right side of it, past the aesthetics and the things that are honestly white noise left from the world in which these movies started (2008) and to the way these characters are allowed to grow throughout the movies, even if they’re not and will never be perfect.

VVIBE CHECKING: Why is this show so hard on teenagers? (A rant about Euphoria)

 [Spoiler Alert]

I stopped watching Euphoria in episode four. I am sorry but I won’t be able to write a full review.

VVIBE CHECKING: Euphoria [SEASON 1 SPOILERS!!]

 [Spoiler Alert]

I did not vvibe with Euphoria.

VVIBE WITH ME: a very emotional review of Derry Girls

I have watched Derry Girls more than 3 times, I watched it with my brother, I forced my parents to watch it with me and long story short, I just vvibe with this show.

I love Derry Girls for a number of reasons, most of them related to the fact it’s beautifully written. It’s the most delicate and realistic show about teenagers that I’ve ever seen even though it’s a comedy. I have yet to see Euphoria, but honestly, I don’t think there’s a show airing that understands so gracefully how messy being a teenager really is. It reminds me a lot of Inbetweeners but it’s so much better, it’s not only written by a woman, it shows women, young and old, in a realistic and funny, yet not disrespectful, way.

I love the way Erin’s parents are written, Mary and Gerry are a wonderful couple and Mary clearly runs everything but Gerry is not just a dad, he is the dad, he picks up food, he wants his kid to be happy, he loves his wife and her family and even though Grandpa Joe is always being rude. I love how stuff doesn’t affect Mary and Gerry’s relationship, they are just good parents, they are well-written parents.

There are two moments that make me think of this, one is when Gerry sees Erin and the crew at the concert in Belfast, never fails to make me cry happy tears, the other is when Mary doesn't give Erin money to buy a dress for the dance, but genuinely cares about Erin going, even when her date doesn’t show up.

Erin is ambitious, Michelle is unapologetic, Clare is smart, Orla is crazy, the kind of person who could be a star in the creative world. But they are far from perfect, I mean, an American rewrite would make Erin a journalism prodigy, Clare the perfect A student obsessed with Harvard, also Michelle would be the most beautiful girl at school and Orla an art genius, but they are not that, they are weird because they are not who they are supposed to be yet.

An American rewrite would also make Jenny a mean girl but that's the beauty of Derry Girls, Jenny is not a mean girl, she's just annoying like most people you'll meet in real life who are not bad or mean or cruel, they are just annoying and boring, and that's fine.

Let's be real, we all know a Jenny in real life

Now talking about being a teenager, as much as I like to pretend that my teenage years were wild, they were actually pretty boring, besides almost hooking up with a teacher and pining after a guy 8 years older than me that has always been ridiculously respectful, it was also throwing up in front of said guy and sitting alone at a party wishing said teacher would pick me up. I did kiss a boy who was in a band, that was cool, maybe the coolest night of my high school, my friends were doing body shots between their boobs and I was kissing the most handsome boy at the party, it was the adolescence Skins had promised us I guess, I mean I never watched Skins, because, when I was 15, I was watching Doctor Who and Sherlock, I was, even if I didn't want to admit back in the day, still a kid.

Anyway, being a teenager is usually an awkward act of pretending you know what to do until you figure out what to do and by the time you figure it out, you’re probably around 20 or 21 and being a teenager is disappointing too, you spend your entire childhood imagining and watching things about being older and going out and living incredible things and when you get to it you are just pimply, awkward, restless and you have no money or permission to do things like go to the places cool older people go like bars and parties. So it’s an age of frustration and learning to deal with it and also the pressures of the real world.

And no one tells you that being a teenager is ridiculous and frustrating because kids just don’t know it yet and adults like to pretend their adolescence was perfect and wild and fun and even when they talk about the bad moments, they tell you about it in such a nostalgic way like even the bad moments were good you know? I wonder if that could be one reason for such high rates of teenagers suffering from depresh.

In conclusion, Derry Girls just gets it, the lack of power in being a teenager but also thinking you are unstoppable and immortal, and not in a Euphoria or Skins way, but immortal as in giving yourself too much importance when honestly you are just 17 and no one really cares about what you do and the stuff you are up to or will care in a couple of years. I think what most shows don’t get about adolescence is the fact that teenagers want power, they want freedom or at least their image of freedom. Maybe it’s traveling with their friends, maybe it’s being heard, maybe it’s being able to do things without getting permission from your parents. But the fact is that Derry Girls gets it, it’s about the longing for freedom and power and not actually having it, because all the girls have parents that show up constantly throughout the show, and more than that those parents are people too. They are not just filler characters, in the Take That concert episode, when all the moms are having tea discussing what they are gonna do when the girls get back, it’s so real, it feels like a conversation my mom would have had 7 years ago with my best friends’ moms and it feels nice.

All stills were taken from the Derry Girls IMDB page.